I think the best way to tell whether you’re being faced with manipulation, with a situation which is bad for you, is to see what happens when you prepare to leave.

If the other wants to understand, to help, to offer friendship, to make sure the relationship continues in a kind and gentle way, you’ve been in a good place. If you get threats, cold shoulders, pressure tactics, cutting off ties, defamation, snarky FB posts, and ignored (or attacked) when you try to re-engage, you’ve probably been in a bad situation.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been in a bad situation.

It’s in my old blueprint, of course, to put myself (or in this last case, get myself put) in bad situations. That’s one thing I want to change, in a whole list of things. Giving money to daddy figures is one thing my husband brought up which I hadn’t considered. It just occurred to me that putting myself in situations where blonde mommy figures attack and/or abandon me is another. That one has happened several times this year.

And so again I’m alone.

Being alone in itself is not a bad thing. Of course, I’m never truly alone, with my cloud of others with me. The cloud has lessened of late, or else they’re being very quiet. Integration? Or hiding? I never can tell.

 

 

This is going to be long, and I’m going to be real here. If cursing offends your sorry ass, move on.

(thanks, Michelle)

Okay, I have a problem with money. Everyone knows that who knows anything about me. Since Jan. 1st, I made $6000 but I spent $8500. It’s been worse – in 2015 I spent FIVE TIMES what I made.

Now, I have a husband with a good income, right? But part of getting the fuck healthy was supposed to be getting back to financial independence. So what the hell is going on with me?

Just now we had a bit of a discussion about this.

I need to preface it with some concepts that I learned in this class I’ve been taking, which is called the Master Key Experience (MKE) – one of the concepts you get early on is something called the Color Code, which you can read about here. If you don’t feel like reading all that, basically, yellows are motivated by fun, blues by intimacy, whites by peace, and reds by progress. They’re all good; it’s just different motivations.

Since I’m a guide for the MKE I got my whole profile done for me for free. Here’s what it came up with:

Looking at this again is interesting, because I thought my blue and white were closer in number, when it’s really my yellow and blue. Anyway, supposedly I live for fun. Which sucks, because I really don’t know how to get it, which I guess is common for those with severely abusive childhoods like mine.

And then if I can’t have fun I guess I drop into blue, which stands for intimacy. Which I don’t know how to get either – again, common in those with abusive childhoods.

One of the things I figured out today is that I buy stuff in order to get a feeling of intimacy with a charismatic and beloved person. I want to matter to them.

(and because I think the course might be fun)

(and because I thought I needed to learn the information to get money and feel peace – which surprised me, as I didn’t realize that to me, $ = peace … although, I guess this shouldn’t surprise me too much, given the chaos of my upbringing, my mother constantly spending, the constant fighting in our home around money, the constant lack)

I usually end up in white territory, but I don’t feel very peaceful a lot of the time. It’s been a lot better, but my money situation has really made me feel like why don’t people like me or trust me enough to buy from me online? What is wrong with me?

This is my goddamn old fucking blueprint which is full of scarcity and want and feelings of insignificance.

There is nothing wrong with me at my core. I continually have to sell myself on it.

Okay, going back to the idea that I buy from people because I want intimacy, fun, and peacefulness: the only major purchase that came close to doing it for me was the MKE trip to Kauai, and the side trip I made to the volcano on the big island.

I think I didn’t go back this year because I was afraid it was all a fluke – that I imagined it was all that, and that just like every other time, the people were just tolerating me.

See how poisonous this old blueprint is?

(plus my credit cards are about maxed, and I plan to go to New Zealand in February and I figured in my subconscious mind that if I’m just going to be tolerated at least I’ll be going somewhere on my bucket list and checking out a place I may want to live someday – progress. Way the hell into red territory. How fucked up am I?)

At this point, I don’t see a way to do both, financially or any other way. I don’t know if I even want to do both.

I’m spending most of my time promoting my novel, and finally starting to see some progress on it. People seem to like it. I find I do well in face to face situations as far as selling (which I never thought would happen), and I’m learning a lot more about how I naturally interact with people through this lady, who I don’t really click with but what she’s saying makes a lot of sense to me.

For where I am right now, this is a good combination. I need to break the delusion that buying from someone is going to make them my friend. Or else just go find my lawyer and file for bankruptcy right now, because that’s where I’m headed if things don’t change soon.

(I feel really pathetic right now)

(but I feel like discovering all this is a major breakthrough for me)

(and although I very much want to either delete this or make it private, part of my getting well means letting people into my life, even if it is random strangers on the internet who probably don’t give a shit about me. It’s a start.)

 

 

 

I wrote some private posts since the last time. Here are the parts you might care about.

I’ve been very golden bees lately, I’d say for the past several weeks. Or months.

Inside man has decided his name is Mark.

Things … I want to say they aren’t going well but I don’t really know. This could be just what I need. Who am I to say.

I mean, I have a vague idea as to what happened, but I realized something was wrong when I saw that I haven’t done my website stats for four freaking months. I don’t know what’s going on with my business. I don’t remember Thanksgiving or Halloween, and while I vaguely remember Christmas, I don’t actually know what happened.

I haven’t lost this much time before ever. I know I went to New Orleans a few weeks ago. I remember some of it.

This is really weird. But I guess they all took care of things for me.

I feel right now like the gal in Contact where she’s scared out of her mind but wants whatever is going to happen so bad that she’s telling everyone “I’m okay to go”

Unfortunately, I feel totally depressed. And foggy.

CHRISTMAS SUCKS.

But for the most part they are Good Things. 🙂

My novel is out. It might be triggery for littles, it really depends on what triggers them. I’m sure you can figure it out.

I’ve been going round and round about certain issues with my business, mostly in the financial realm. I want very much to be successful in this area, but up to now it’s been difficult. But I’m sure there are many people who would love to be in my situation, so I try not to stress about it, as that’s counter-productive. But I do feel as if I’ve been holding myself back out of fear.

Fear has been one of my companions for as long as I can remember, and yet knowing that is part of the solution. One of my goals is to heal some physical issues which have been with me that in the Heal Your Body book are symptoms of fear. But it’s only been recently that I’ve focused on confidence, courage, and boldness instead of on ‘not being afraid’. There’s a big difference. 🙂

---

 

Jon has been having a good deal of troubles off and on this year, and they also revolve around fear. It’s a situation none of us are really sure how to resolve, other than to carefully consider all the options. So far, we’ve been taking the conservative approach, but it’s not very satisfactory to anyone. Sorry about being so vague, but I don’t know who reads this and I don’t want to betray a confidence.

But I think the situation is also a good thing, because it really has helped with the books. (he’s our main writer) Angst is a great motivator of novelling.

Now he’s worried people will take it oddly that a character in my books is also named Jon, and make assumptions. Be assured the issues he’s facing are much different than the ones that particular character faces in that series.

He’s teamed up with another inside man, though (who has no name that I know of), and we developed a pen name for them to write a new series in the same universe, although with a different genre. I’m hoping that by the time anyone figures it out that both will be doing well. I think it’s good for them to have something useful to do.

 

This past week I had a lot of difficult things happening at once. I felt extremely stressed, and something happened that I don’t think I’ve experienced before.

Have you ever tried to stir something thick with a really cheap flimsy plastic spoon and it just snaps?

That’s what it felt like inside my head. Snap.

I don’t know what it means or why it happened, and I’ve sort of given up on finding the answers to those kind of questions.

I feel okay, but there’s more space inside since then, which usually means someone integrated. But I have no idea who.

So many questions.

I sort of wanted to post an update, because I’m about to post something on another blog linking to here. So there might be people who show up. LOL.

I’m doing pretty well. I’ve been working 8-10 hours a day on my novel which is coming out in December. I set a deadline for myself to have it done by October 1st, so everything else has gone on the back burners. I’ve been working on my yard and keeping my businesses going. I’m looking into buying some rental property and selling one of my businesses. I may have a buyer for it.

I’ve also been doing training to become a guide in the Master Key Experience (or MKMMA, whichever you want to call it), which is opening to new members tomorrow. This guide training has been interesting, because I’m learning as much about myself as I am how to guide others.

(not teach, guide — very different things)

My people have been very helpful and I really enjoy working together with them, which was one of my True Health goals. I did lose about an hour a few days ago, causing me to miss an appointment. I was in the shower, which wasn’t too surprising as Things Happened there. But I haven’t lost time in quite a while, so I’m thinking someone is there that I (and those of us who are co-conscious) didn’t know about.

It’s new to have someone around that none of us knew about. (at least, no one is claiming to know) It’s encouraging, actually, because that means that something is happening inside deeper than has happened before.

Although the time has been stressful here and there, overall it’s been good. I’m having fun! 🙂 From the MKMMA class I learned how to deal with stress and fear, which is just what I needed for this time.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on. I hope all of you are well and making progress. This is what I call progress:

1. awareness of what you feel
2. letting yourself feel it
3. accepting your feelings, whatever they are

This whole illness, in my view, is about denying what we feel. That gives the feelings too much power, blocks memory, causes splitting, and prevents healing. But that’s just how I feel about it. You may have a totally different view, and that’s okay.

 

I’ve had troubles with summer in the past. This year seems better but I’ve been foggy and emotional.

One thing I noticed is that when you begin to get well, things begin shaking up. People you used to be intimidated by just seem sad and pathetic, and those you used to think were bland and boring are actually good solid people.

People around you treat you like they used to but you have changed, so they don’t know what to make of it.

I seem to be able to get way more done these days, which is good.