Golden bees swarm

Metallic

Like a dozen children with sparklers

Waving wildly

At least they’re helping me today

Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something. – Unknown

May you live every day of your life. – Jonathan Swift

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. – Unknown

(via @pospositive)

No, I won’t call this child a victim, God knows it took me long enough to get that mindset out of my life, and just as Mr. Perry does, I respect this little boy too much to label him that way, much more than the headline writer apparently does.

Read the letter: it brought tears to my eyes. It was so empowering, and I have a new respect for Tyler Perry, knowing that he went through the same things many of us did and was able to not only succeed but reach out to this child with words of encouragement.

Part of me cries out “where were you when this happened to me?” … and of course the answer is that he was going through it too.

Another part is profoundly humbled: where did he find the strength to write this? Can I ever be that hand of solace to someone else going through the same thing now?

I sometimes wonder if I have the ability to do so, broken into pieces as I am.

I don’t know much about Tyler Perry but I do know that if what he says about himself is true, he is our brother in pain. And a man whose actions in this matter are an inspiration to all of us.

Thanks giving is coming, and all the evil memories are swept away by the grief of losing my father in law last month.

He lived a good long life. I miss him.

Just as painful as his death are the realizations of how very few even have cared enough to give their condolences. I can count them on my hands. I can count on one hand the ones who have asked how we are doing, alone and far from home.

Not one came to the memorial.

It’s hard to be 49 and realize that I have no true friends.

 

But it’s taught me a lot: not to think I have a friend just because a person smiles and acts friendly. Not to think that if you be there for someone else then they will be there for you. Not to expect to have real friends.

I say this while crying, because, while I am not a good person by any means, I have tried to be good to others. I have driven hours to be at the side of someone I hardly knew when her husband died. I have given hundreds of hours to help organizations I support. I have brought food to the sick and poor, listened to countless people who were grieving.

I suppose I must have done what I did for selfishness, to get something, anything in return, because it hurts. so. much. right now. I know I am simply grieving all the losses of my life. I suppose the grief will only stop when my life does.

 

Keep going.

My friends, it does not matter which road you choose. It will never matter which road you choose. At the end of every road you will reach the edge of hell. When you take that last step from the darkness, the most beautiful things you could possibly imagine will be there.

If you don’t know what’s going on over there, you don’t want to. Very, very triggering stuff. You probably don’t want to read the rest of this post.

 

 

For the rest of you, you’re not crazy to feel triggered by this.

Or to be angry.

Or for it to be bringing up ALL the feelings about ALL the abuse you suffered.

The worst part is the people rioting in support of a man who KNEW children were being molested, who was TOLD they were by someone who WITNESSED IT, and who didn’t do even one of the following: 1) grab that man who witnessed the attack and drag him to the police, 2) call the police himself (aren’t colleges mandated reporters??), 3) confront the child molester himself, 4) make sure that the supervisor he told followed up on it … ANY of those things would have meant something.

But it wasn’t his business, he didn’t want to get involved, kids you know sometimes lie, the guy had a reputation to protect, maybe the other guy didn’t see what he saw, yadda yadda yadda …

And the guy’s a good coach! And he’s old! And we like him! He can’t possibly one of those people who stand aside and do nothing while children are being raped!

So yeah.

I just finished reading this and the enormity of it all finally hit me and I was finally able to cry a bit about it. Which is good. Maybe that will help you.

Because the thing that triggers me the most about this whole mess is that it reminds me of ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE WHO KNEW I was being raped, molested, put into child porn photos, etc., and DID NOTHING.

SAID NOTHING.

Let it happen. To me, to my siblings, and to God knows who else.

By saying and doing nothing, encouraged it to happen. Because silence is tacit agreement, which emboldens these sociopaths to do it again.

Those people are “nice people”. Some are my family members. Some are teachers, police, counselors, etc.

Don’t let it be you.

Because if you see someone hurting a child and let your fear stop you from helping that child then you are the same as these people who stood by and let you be hurt.

I would rather die than let what happened to me happen to someone else. How about you?

 

Wow, I haven’t been here for a while …

Life is kind of like that.

But I found this article from Cracked, and while it’s pretty weird (as their articles tend to be), they do have some points. And the article made me think more specifically about MPD.

So without further ado, here’s some lies Hollywood would have you believe about MPD:

1) We’re all faking it. See most Law and Order: SVU episodes using MPD as a plot device.

This gal had cooked up a plot with her jailbird sister to murder her parents and get away with it using a totally cheesy parody of MPD which two psychiatrists (one who supposedly was an expert on forensic psychiatry) missed somehow.

2) People with MPD only have two (or a small number of) personalities.

Which is usually not true, according to several of my therapists. My first one told me you could usually take the number that come out to talk to the therapist and add a zero at the end and it would be about right. This was certainly true in my case.

3) Every person with MPD has an assassin alter.

This is just so laughable I really don’t believe how anyone buys it, but I guess it sells because there are a lot of shows with this plot line.

4) People with MPD can see their alters in the mirror! Didn’t you know?

I might like to see mine someday, but … has never happened. Sorry.

I try not to watch movies or TV with MPD as the main plot device, so I can’t comment on a lot of shows. But I’m sure you can add more to the list.

I’ve found that particular things have really helped over the years, so I thought I would make a list:

* The Holosync Solution — This is a series of CDs that help you meditate. You don’t have to do anything other than get a player and a set of headphones to use it; you don’t have to already know how to meditate.

I started using this back in 2001 or so, after I had the intensive therapy that was able to get me off of medication, but this has done more for me overall than any of that. I love love love this and use it as often as I can. Get the free demo, then save up your money and get this. It saved my life.

Ignore the hype on the first page and go dig around for the science part of it. It really seriously does work.

* Follow people on Twitter whose posts lift you up, not drag you down. Here are the ones I like so far:

@PosPositive

@beingtricia

* Try to think of what you have accomplished and the good things in your life. Sometimes it feels like a very short list, but writing it down really helps.

I’ll put more as I think of it, and link this to my FAQ page.

It’s easy for me to get sidetracked, and then I forgot my password (it’s the one they gave me), and then I forgot where I had put it … and finally someone commented on something so I HAD to find the password so I could approve the comment. How embarrassing.

But I’m glad I got back on here, because I didn’t know it had been so long since my last post.

I’ve been doing a lot, but I’ve also been feeling strange lately. I guess with all the things going on in the world it’s not surprising. But then yesterday I got the letter for jury duty.

I hate jury duty in general, but it’s also been hard in the past because … well, in the past I’ve had flashbacks and panic attacks when I’ve gone into courtrooms. This time I felt pretty calm, other than the annoyance of having to go and sit with a bunch of other people who couldn’t figure a way to get out of it for hours at a time. But maybe I’ll get some knitting done or something.

Anyway, it’s not until next month so I have some time to get used to it still.