This is going to be long, and I’m going to be real here. If cursing offends your sorry ass, move on.
Okay, I have a problem with money. Everyone knows that who knows anything about me. Since Jan. 1st, I made $6000 but I spent $8500. It’s been worse – in 2015 I spent FIVE TIMES what I made.
Now, I have a husband with a good income, right? But part of getting the fuck healthy was supposed to be getting back to financial independence. So what the hell is going on with me?
Just now we had a bit of a discussion about this.
I need to preface it with some concepts that I learned in this class I’ve been taking, which is called the Master Key Experience (MKE) – one of the concepts you get early on is something called the Color Code, which you can read about here. If you don’t feel like reading all that, basically, yellows are motivated by fun, blues by intimacy, whites by peace, and reds by progress. They’re all good; it’s just different motivations.
Since I’m a guide for the MKE I got my whole profile done for me for free. Here’s what it came up with:
Looking at this again is interesting, because I thought my blue and white were closer in number, when it’s really my yellow and blue. Anyway, supposedly I live for fun. Which sucks, because I really don’t know how to get it, which I guess is common for those with severely abusive childhoods like mine.
And then if I can’t have fun I guess I drop into blue, which stands for intimacy. Which I don’t know how to get either – again, common in those with abusive childhoods.
One of the things I figured out today is that I buy stuff in order to get a feeling of intimacy with a charismatic and beloved person. I want to matter to them.
(and because I think the course might be fun)
(and because I thought I needed to learn the information to get money and feel peace – which surprised me, as I didn’t realize that to me, $ = peace … although, I guess this shouldn’t surprise me too much, given the chaos of my upbringing, my mother constantly spending, the constant fighting in our home around money, the constant lack)
I usually end up in white territory, but I don’t feel very peaceful a lot of the time. It’s been a lot better, but my money situation has really made me feel like why don’t people like me or trust me enough to buy from me online? What is wrong with me?
This is my goddamn old fucking blueprint which is full of scarcity and want and feelings of insignificance.
There is nothing wrong with me at my core. I continually have to sell myself on it.
Okay, going back to the idea that I buy from people because I want intimacy, fun, and peacefulness: the only major purchase that came close to doing it for me was the MKE trip to Kauai, and the side trip I made to the volcano on the big island.
I think I didn’t go back this year because I was afraid it was all a fluke – that I imagined it was all that, and that just like every other time, the people were just tolerating me.
See how poisonous this old blueprint is?
(plus my credit cards are about maxed, and I plan to go to New Zealand in February and I figured in my subconscious mind that if I’m just going to be tolerated at least I’ll be going somewhere on my bucket list and checking out a place I may want to live someday – progress. Way the hell into red territory. How fucked up am I?)
At this point, I don’t see a way to do both, financially or any other way. I don’t know if I even want to do both.
I’m spending most of my time promoting my novel, and finally starting to see some progress on it. People seem to like it. I find I do well in face to face situations as far as selling (which I never thought would happen), and I’m learning a lot more about how I naturally interact with people through this lady, who I don’t really click with but what she’s saying makes a lot of sense to me.
For where I am right now, this is a good combination. I need to break the delusion that buying from someone is going to make them my friend. Or else just go find my lawyer and file for bankruptcy right now, because that’s where I’m headed if things don’t change soon.
(I feel really pathetic right now)
(but I feel like discovering all this is a major breakthrough for me)
(and although I very much want to either delete this or make it private, part of my getting well means letting people into my life, even if it is random strangers on the internet who probably don’t give a shit about me. It’s a start.)