Posted by: ourlifewithmpd | November 7, 2014

Dead eyes and saying goodbye

This could be triggering.

I’m having an emotional time this week in the MKMMA, and I’ve been trying to tease out why that is.

We’ve been asked to look at photographs intently in order to train our powers of attention, and no matter which photo I use, I’m being flooded with negative and painful thought and reminders of bad things that happened around that photo. And they aren’t photos of my childhood either.

But it says that if we do this things will change.

Regrets of how I raised my kids is one big recurring theme. I didn’t know any better, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it.

One photo which really got to me was a family portrait: me, my husband, and my daughter. She was maybe 2 or 3.

My husband and daughter’s eyes were alive, bright, happy.

My eyes were dead.

This was long before I had any therapy or even could admit I needed any. I looked pretty good back then. I was working 60 hour weeks as a family doctor — before call — and I remember almost none of it. I was on autopilot survival mode most of the time, and this was when our family was also deep in the cult. I had no time to myself whatsoever.

Looking at that photo shows me how shut down I was. But I look at myself now, 20 years later — white hair, wrinkled skin, overweight … but my eyes aren’t dead anymore.

I guess that means I’m making progress.

The reading we’re doing this month is about love — a big and painful topic for me. Do I know how to love? Should I love? Will I get hurt again? Am I good enough to be loved in return?

And yet, we’re also asked to promise to give without hope of reciprocity, and all my old fears, vengeful thoughts, and proofs that I am NOT good enough come right back. The people who pretended to be friends then slandered me. The people I gave hundreds of dollars in help to, who merrily went their way and when I needed help they were nowhere to be found. The cliques even now in adulthood, over and over again I’ve been ignored, shunned, only accepted when there was something for someone else to gain but then when I needed help, yet again, nowhere to be found.

But it also says that if we can get this then things will change.

And we’re also doing this paper called a Definite Major Purpose — basically what do you want from life? Others are getting theirs done, but mine keeps coming back with WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP? written on it.

Which spins me into the it’s not good enough I’m not good enough I’ve given up everything to do this my whole life is different what more do you want from me bitches I’ll never be good enough maybe I should just give up I’m not good enough spin cycle. You know how that goes.

I think, though, that I have figured out what the problem is with this, and it had to do with something else that we’ve had to do on a related theme called the Press Release. Now my little pedant points out that this isn’t a true press release, more of an interview, but this is how it was presented so I did it that way.

And the thing which I immediately noticed in my first draft — which we had to publish on schedule — is that I talked a lot about the past. Not to mention that it was set six years in the future and I’m still multiple.

So maybe these people have a point. Sure I can give up Facebook and try to get out more, but can I give up my others?

Even though know intellectually that they just go right into me, and I’ve integrated other ones many times before and nothing bad happened, I feel scared. I feel a deep sense of anticipatory grief. I’ve seen their faces. They are some of my only real friends. Jon writes my novels — what will happen when he’s gone? I don’t want to say goodbye to him. I love him.

But this is the real kicker: What is so bad that they are hiding from me, that they are still separate?

If I know the truth, if my memory becomes intact, with all the horror they are keeping from me, will I be able to function? What will happen to my businesses? To my family? Will I fall apart? I don’t want to go back to those days where all I could do is lie on the floor.

This is really truly freaking me the fuck out today.

But they said that if I get this then things will change.

Do I want things to change?

Well, yeah. I do.

I’m sick of not making any money. I’m sick of being rejected, sick of being ignored and having only “Facebook friends” to my name. No one calls me just to see how I am. No one comes over, or invites me places, unless there’s some other motive behind it. I’m sick of being avoided, like I’m contagious or something. I’m sick of being some goddamn sideshow pet that people show up here to look at.

I’m sick of hiding who I am. I’m tired of working my ass off and having nothing to show for it.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, as the saying goes.

No, I’m not shutting down this blog but if I want to get well then sooner or later I have to get well.

That made Jon laugh and he says that it makes sense to keep trying all this to see if it works, since we’ve gone this far with it.

Michelle says do whatever the fuck you want, but telling the truth never did a goddamn thing but come back to hurt us. She’s not having any of it.

I don’t tend to agree with her but I respect her opinions.

The ones who have sex are having sex as usual.

The littles are scared as usual. I might have to do another sit, just here at my computer, to calm them down.

Everyone else is doing whatever the hell they do, most of it is out of my knowledge but someone did look up from their work and say huh?

Life goes on.

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