Posted by: ourlifewithmpd | November 23, 2011

Alone

Thanks giving is coming, and all the evil memories are swept away by the grief of losing my father in law last month.

He lived a good long life. I miss him.

Just as painful as his death are the realizations of how very few even have cared enough to give their condolences. I can count them on my hands. I can count on one hand the ones who have asked how we are doing, alone and far from home.

Not one came to the memorial.

It’s hard to be 49 and realize that I have no true friends.

 

But it’s taught me a lot: not to think I have a friend just because a person smiles and acts friendly. Not to think that if you be there for someone else then they will be there for you. Not to expect to have real friends.

I say this while crying, because, while I am not a good person by any means, I have tried to be good to others. I have driven hours to be at the side of someone I hardly knew when her husband died. I have given hundreds of hours to help organizations I support. I have brought food to the sick and poor, listened to countless people who were grieving.

I suppose I must have done what I did for selfishness, to get something, anything in return, because it hurts. so. much. right now. I know I am simply grieving all the losses of my life. I suppose the grief will only stop when my life does.

 

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